Private Waluigi
by WarioMan3K
Summary: Here's to a parody of Private Snafu, in the form of short fics. Only this time, though, Waluigi is the "star"...
1. Booby traps

Hello, ladies and gents! I present to you a series of Waluigi short fics...but as a parody of the _Private Snafu _shorts from back in the 1940s. For those of you who either don't know or aren't from the United States, the black-and-white _Private Snafu_ (Situation Normal, All Fouled Up) shorts were made by certain well-known animators (i.e. Chuck Jones, Friz Freleng, and plenty others). At the time of World War II, those shorts were for the US Army only, intended to help boost the morale of the troops. Nowadays, these shorts can be seen online (or bought on DVD...though it is a rare find). In other words, they're public domain.

I'm sure most of you already know about all this by now, but just in case - the shorts portray Snafu learning about certain situations at hand the hard way, like booby traps or spies.

But above all else, I hope you enjoy my parody fics with Waluigi as the "star."

**DISCLAIMER: Super Mario Bros. and WarioWare Inc. are properties of Nintendo, whereas Private Snafu was originally owned by certain animators and writers alike, whom of which were involved in the animated shorts during World War II: Chuck Jones, Friz Freleng, Dr. Seuss, Bob Clampett, and plenty others.**

* * *

-Private Waluigi-

*****BOOBY TRAPS*****

Waluigi is seen marching across a deserted area with a Bob-omb Launcher in his possession...

One day, on a distant battlefield throughout Dark Land, the enemy has fled, abandoning the area. As our forces move up, they must exercise caution, for every object they see is a possible booby trap. Some are creative, and yet alluring at the same time. **IF YOU ARE A BOOB, YOU WILL BE TRAPPED!**

"Ahhh, shaddap!" Waluigi retorted. "I ain't no boob, and I won't be trapped!"

Then he stuck his tongue out at the narrator and moved on. Later on, he came across an abandoned golf club next to a golf ball...or, at least what seemed to look like a "golf ball."

"Now why would anybody wanna leave this perfectly good golf club behind?" As Waluigi pondered, he spotted a nearby sign, which read: FROM DIAMOND CITY'S OFFICIAL WALUIGI FAN CLUB. He then jumped for joy. "Oh, boy! Finally, I get some praise for once! That green-clad plumber is just jealous that I'm better than him! I mean, what Daisy sees in him, I'll never understand..."

Just as he's about to take a big swing, he noticed something odd about the supposed "golf ball."

"Hey, wait a minute! I wonder if this could be one of those 'booby traps'..." He could now tell it was a Bob-omb in disguise. He gingerly put down the golf club and fled. As soon as he got out of range, he took a breather.

"Whew! That was close. Hey, what's this I see?"

In front of Waluigi was a building, with a neon sign reading on top: THE OFFICIAL WALUIGI FAN CLUB (courtesy of Diamond City's folks!). Inside that building were a bunch of women in cheerleader dresses...or so it seemed. Waluigi became so infatuated, he purposely dropped his Bob-omb Launcher and ran inside, not even stopping to notice that the "cheerleaders" were possibly lifeless dummies. Nevertheless, he felt right at home, believing that even his own brother, Wario, paid him some respect. Then he saw a nearby piano, along with a sheet that showed the musical notes for playing the "stage clear" jingle from _Super Mario Bros_. From there, he tried playing the song, but couldn't hit the "C" key at the very end of the jingle. While he made his second attempt, he didn't even notice the "C" key for the very end was rigged with a detonator. Regardless, he didn't get the song right the second time.

"Ah, screw it! I never could get the last part, anyway..." He moved on to talk to one of the "cheerleaders" nearby. "Hiya, toots! What's shakin'? Me, I just gotta remember to thank Wario and Mona for making my fan club official. Say, lovely pom poms you got in your hands! I'll bet those are magical for boosting the Diamond City Roughs' confidence and morale in their football games!"

Just then, the pom poms "fall over", revealing two Bob-ombs! Waluigi gasped with fear, despite his lust for using Bob-ombs in battle. "Uh-oh! B...b...booby...traps! AAAAAHHHH!"

With that, he knew by then the supposed "fan club" building wasn't Wario and Mona's idea after all, but rather the Bowser Baddies. And thus, Waluigi ran for his life to avoid getting blown up. He opened a nearby door, only to see a Thwomp fall towards him. He avoided getting squashed, and ran through the hallway (while triggering some trapdoors along the way). Finally, he got back outside the booby-trapped building.

"Whew...safe at last..."

As he took a moment to rest, a little door opened up, revealing a live puppet-like replica of Bowser. It held a triangle instrument in its claw, and played the "stage clear" jingle from _Super Mario Bros_. in Waluigi's ear. The moment it hit the "C" note at the very end...

"Ah-ha! That's it! Now I remember how it's done!"

He happily snapped his fingers, and ran back inside the building to the piano once more, this time playing the song correctly. But just as anybody with common sense would expect, he hit the "C" key that was rigged with a detonator, setting off a chain of explosions that blew him away. When the smoke cleared, he was seen sitting on a Lakitu's cloud with a harp in his hand.

"...Meh. At least I don't have to worry about anymore booby traps..." He began to play the same song he did earlier, only for the harp to magically "explode" in his face at the final note.

THE END

(Ending Credits)  
Waluigi - CHARLES MARTINET

[End Credits]

A/N: NO NINTENDO CHARACTERS NOR MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS WERE DAMAGED DURING THE MAKING OF THIS SHORT FIC.

* * *

And there you have it, folks! Check back for whatever parody shorts I may be doing in the future. I know for the fact there aren't that many _Private Snafu_ shorts (I think there were about 28 of them, with only a couple of which were cancelled at the time), though.


	2. Rumors

After some catching up to do with my other fanfics (both here and DeviantART) on my downtime, I thought about doing the next parody short fic of "Private Waluigi." Enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER: Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, Star Fox, and Metroid are properties of Nintendo, whereas Private Snafu was originally owned by certain animators and writers alike, whom of which were involved in the animated shorts during World War II: Chuck Jones, Friz Freleng, Dr. Seuss, Bob Clampett, and plenty others. The "Funny Farm" song and its lyrics are courtesy of Dr. Demento.**

* * *

*****RUMORS*****

It was a bright, sunny day at the Mushroom Kingdom. Within one of the Mushroom Army's training camps, not a rumor was stirring about...at least, not everywhere except the one building where Private Waluigi and his buddies are. During their break from daily training, one of the Goombas was mumbling at a newspaper. Waluigi wanted to know what he was thinking.

"Hey, buddy..." said Waluigi, "what's up?"

"Ehh, nothin'." said the Goomba. "But hey, nice day for a bombing weather, ain't it..."

Although it became clear that Goombas typically worked for Bowser, not all of them were bad. In fact, this Goomba was on the good guys' side. Just then, Waluigi felt like breaking his boredom by pulling a harmless prank on someone: by telling the same rumor he just heard.

"Dude, you gotta hear what I just heard. There's gonna be a bombing soon. Might wanna spread it to everyone."

The tall-looking Toad gasped, but decided to keep his cool and tell the other comrades the rumor. Then Waluigi snickered quietly. "Heh heh heh...a sure-fire way to keep myself from being bored."

Unfortunately, for him, sooner or later that rumor (and eventually all the others) would come right back to bite him in the rear. Every rumor being spread would appear to him as a huge hallucination; his buddies having balloon juice in their "evidence", more like a load of baloney. The more they spread it all to everyone in this entire camp, to more that load of baloney is stretched out and multiplied simultaneously. All it took was believing the rumor to be quite serious, and then they let it all out by shooting off their mouths! Waluigi's harmless prank was just about ready to backfire on him, for the baloney-like rumors are being spread all over the place as time passed by.

In one tent, three Shy Guys were telling each other about the rumors they "heard."

"Our world's on the brink of war, worse than ever! I heard Bowser and his troops did a huge number on Mushroom City!"

"Yeah...not to mention they blew up the Mushroom Bridge to showcase their strengthened power!"

"All because they have help from that evil emperor Andross and his ape soldiers of Venomopolis! They're an unstoppable force!"

Meanwhile, at the other tent, three Toads were panicking amongst themselves, fearing that all would soon be lost by tomorrow.

"Mario and Luigi have been captured, with no way to escape this time!"

"We're doomed! Our Fire Flower crops are being decimated along with the Super Leaf trees!"

"And worst of all: our poor princess, Peach, will have to marry Bowser, so he'd stop destroying us!"

* * *

Later that evening, inside a cafeteria, Waluigi was enjoying his sandwich with some peace and quiet...until, a hallucination in the form of a flying baloney (or bologna sausage) came to his face and talked to him.

"Hey, listen!" blurted the animate baloney. "Don'tcha know that we got nothin' to fight with, and that our shells and Bob-ombs alike are all duds? You know that, don't ya, bud?"

Waluigi raised his open palm in front of the hallucination in denial. "Aw, c'mon! You know our shells and Bob-ombs work just fine! All I did was spread that rumor as a little prank! I was bored!"

"Well, yer gonna have a lot more to worry about than sheer boredom, bucko!" The winged baloney flew off, while the other one came out of nowhere to spook Waluigi further by blowing its trumpet-like nose.

"And furthermore, the Venomian Army have overtaken Pipe Maze and Iced Land for themselves!"

Then Waluigi gasped in fear. "WHAT?! But those are two of the greatest lands besides the Mushroom Kingdom!"

In a panic, he ran outside the cafeteria and hid inside a trash can. Just then, unsurprisingly, another hallucination appeared in the bodily form of dust. _Wait...until you see...their new, secret weapon..._ Then it disappeared, before Waluigi jumped out to return to his camp. He hid in his bed underneath the sheets, until another baloney-shaped hallucination showed up. _This may surprise you, but they're attacking this very camp._

"AAAAAHH!" Waluigi screamed. "I take it back! I take it all back! I just wanted to entertain myself! I WAS BORED!"

In a desperate attempt to flee again, Waluigi jumped out by kicking a window open. There were LOTS of winged baloneys chasing him around for such a hallucination that he's in, laughing and giggling at him as they fluttered about. He ran for his life towards a tree, trying his best to climb it to the top.

_Woooooo-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! It's too-oo-oo-oo la-a-a-a-ate! The Bowser Ba-a-a-a-adi-i-i-i-ies are co-o-o-omi-i-i-ing!_

_The Moblins wanna be the most dominant of Ganondorf's minions on the planet, and they'll destroy us all to make it happen!_

_They've even discovered a way of interdimensional travel between here and Hyrule!_

Waluigi rapidly shook his head no, trying to swat away the hallucinations only to no avail. "No! That's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

_The Zoras have surrendered!_

_The Gorons...are...quitting!_

_Ridley and the Space Pirates are already planning on interdimensional travel to this very kingdom for a grand party of a lifetime, pillaging us and dancing around our graves as they please!_

Waluigi yelped at what he just heard. "They can't do that! Samus Aran would never let them cross interdimensional boundaries within Nintendo's universe...right?"

_Not if she wimped out...which she did, last month! Wooooooooooo!_

_The Star Fox team gave up and disbanded, and I ain't-a talkin' Star Fox: Command!_

Waluigi finally broke down in fear, and got off the tree to beg for mercy. "Okay okay, you win! I'll stop spreading rumors anymore! I promise never to do that again as long as I live!" Just then, one of the winged baloneys got underneath Waluigi to take him for a short ride.

"Woo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo! Too bad, Mr. I'm-a-Prank-Master!" Then it threw him across the air for a crash-landing.

"AAAAAAAHH!" he screamed. "HELP MEEEEEE!"

Finally, a hallucination of an old man appeared before Waluigi. _It's all over...we've lost the war..._ Then an "explosion" formed when the lanky, purple-clad man crashed into the ground...

* * *

The next day, despite all these hallucinated rumors, nothing really happened. The Zoras, Gorons, and the Star Fox team did not wimp out, and neither did Samus. As for Bowser and Andross, neither one had even planned on conquering all of the Mushroom Kingdom at this very moment. However, one of the Mushroom Army's guards took his post in keeping the training camp quarantined, due to its occupants carrying "rumor-itis." Inside one of the buildings, Waluigi was locked up, giggling like crazy from the hallucination he had been through last night.

"Oooooh, they're comin' to take me away, ha ha! They're comin' to take me away, ho ho! Hee hee, ha ha, they came to take me away to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time, HA HA!" He paused his laughter momentarily to say a few words legitimately. "Nice weather for a rumor, ain't it?"

**SEES...HEARS...KNOWS...NOTHING.**

THE END

(Ending Credits)  
Waluigi - CHARLES MARTINET

[End Credits]

* * *

Hope you enjoyed this short fic! Oh, and in case you're wondering, I kinda made up the nation "Venomopolis" for Andross and his ape soldiers, as "Private Waluigi" is non-canon. In other words, no relation to what happened in the _Star Fox_ series.


	3. Fighting tools

Well, just thought about doing another parody short fic. It probably won't be the very best there is, but I'm doing it because I feel like it. In fact, I actually like these obscure _Private Snafu_ shorts.

**DISCLAIMER: Super Mario Bros. and Star Fox are properties of Nintendo, whereas Private Snafu was originally owned by certain animators and writers alike, whom of which were involved in the animated shorts during World War II: Chuck Jones, Friz Freleng, Dr. Seuss, Bob Clampett, and plenty others.**

* * *

*****FIGHTING TOOLS*****

_MUSHROOM NEWS_

_BATTLE REPORTS PROVE TOADS AND PLUMBERS ARE THE BEST ARMED IN THE MUSHROOM WORLD!_

_Fireball Rifle, powered by the Fire Flower, is proven deadly - Our fighting tools unbeatable IF GIVEN THE PROPER CARE. Fire Flowers, Super Leaves, Cape Feathers, you name it!_

_APE BATTLESHIP AND ILLEGALLY-MODIFIED "SARUMARINE" ARE BLOWN UP_

_"I'll get those disrespectful whelps!" - Sarumarine pilot's last words upon defeat_

_EVEN THE BAD GUYS' OWN WEAPONS ARE USABLE IN OUR FAVOR_

_If given the proper care, they'll be just as excellent as our own arsenal! Just ask the Mario Bros._

* * *

Waluigi, the self-proclaimed true rival of Luigi in purple, was enjoying the newspaper during his leisure time in a tent...while in Desert Hill (seen in _Super Mario Bros. 3_), with the head of his Fireball Rifle buried in the sand. He was so happy about what he just read, he felt like putting his feelings into a song. But, he's probably not that great a singer, so...let's make the best of it.

_Ohhh, I'll be the war's greatest hero, and with these doo-dads I have no fear-o!  
I'm gonna prove that I'm better than Luigi, or my name isn't Waluigi!_

_Ohhh, I'm the best guy in the Mushroom World, for I'll show those Bowser Baddies what I mean-o!  
I'll mash those dumb bums and send 'em to their mommies...and Bowser's gonna wet his shell-o!_

"WA, HA HA HA! Wario and I are the best there is!" Despite Waluigi's boasting, he wasn't in the same post as Wario's at the moment. As soon as he began singing again, whilst not caring how bad he was, a large, muscular Hammer Bro - known as a Chomp Bro - was sneaking by, offended by Waluigi's gloating. He was carrying a Bob-omb, as well as a Chain Chomp that he uses in combat. The moment he closed in, Waluigi stopped singing and jumped right out of his tent, pulling his Fireball Rifle out of the ground.

"Ah-HA!" shouted Waluigi. "Stop right there, buster! Now drop yer stuff or I'll burn you down!"

The Chomp Bro gasped in response. "Oh, crap! A Fire Flower-powered rifle! HEEEEELP!" Just then, he noticed something amiss about Waluigi's Fireball Rifle, and thus changed his reaction to something else. "Hmmm..."

_That gun looks a bit gooey  
__If you think I'm scared, you're plumb screwy  
So go and fire, dumbo  
It's all full of muck-o  
All you'll get are puffs of smoke-o._

Unfortunately for Waluigi, the Chomp Bro was right. Due to his Fireball Rifle being buried in the sand for so long with its butt end sticking out, the sand was forced out with small puffs of smoke following behind. Thinking quickly to remedy the situation, Waluigi swung the butt end of his rifle like a baseball bat, smashing the Chomp Bro's face in the process. Then he ran away, with the angry soldier in hot pursuit. It wasn't a moment too soon, that he slowed down to a stop upon seeing Waluigi aiming a Bill Blaster at him.

_Ohhh, what a launcher I'm defeated  
Such a gun just can't be beated..._

Waluigi interrupted the Chomp Bro's singing by opening fire with a barrage of Bullet Bills. The enemy ran away scared, but the Bill Blaster began to overheat after continuous fire. Due to this, the Bullet Bills inside exploded, covering Waluigi in soot. As the lanky man shook it off of his clothes, the Chomp Bro came back to taunt him.

_That launcher was neglected  
No water connected  
No wonder it got overheated!_

"It's not possible!" cried Waluigi.

"In the Koopa Troop, my lanky friend," replied the Chomp Bro, pulling out a Chain Chomp, "our weapons work fine, because we give them great care."

The Chain Chomp barked in Waluigi's face, scaring him into running away some more. The Chomp Bro chased after him in hot pursuit, only to slow down to a stop once again; this time, he saw a Banzai Bill launcher.

_Ohhh...now I'm really sunk, I am thinking..._

Before the Chomp Bro could finish, a Goomba walked out of the Banzai Bill launcher to assure him with some words of enthusiasm. "Oh, you're perfectly safe, I'm thinking," said the Goomba. "It's all musty and dusty, and just plain rusty...conditions inside are just stinking! Really!" Then he led a bunch of his fellow Goomba friends out of the Banzai Bill launcher, whereas the Chomp Bro glared at Waluigi once more.

"No!" Waluigi cowered. "No no no no no! Get away! Get away from me, you stubborn mule! I'm not your enemy! I'M NOT BOWSER'S KOSHER!"

"Kosher?" laughed the Chomp Bro. "What're you talking about? I'm just assigned to defeat you, that's all!"

Waluigi jumped onto a purple Offroader (one of the heavyweight karts in _Mario Kart Wii_) and turned on its engine in a desperate attempt to escape. However, the large kart couldn't even start, despite his best efforts to get it going. He could only watch in fear as the Chomp Bro pulled out a Bob-omb for the final strike.

"What a plumb-scum, what a clown! Ha! Just the kind of boob who lets his battery run down!" With that, the Chomp Bro lit the Bob-omb's fuse and threw it at Waluigi's Offroader, blowing it up and stripping him to nothing but his undershirt and strawberry-decorated boxer shorts.

* * *

Later on, Waluigi was captured and taken to a dungeon in Bowser's Castle, with the Chomp Bro as the jailer. He celebrated his victory with a song that expressed his opinion about the purple-clad man he just defeated.

_Ohhh, like all careless gents  
He winds up behind bars  
Waluigi is the war's greatest...ZERO._

THE END

(Ending Credits)  
Waluigi - CHARLES MARTINET  
Chomp Bro - DEE BRADLEY BAKER  
Goomba - GREG CIPES

[End Credits]

* * *

That was fun, I suppose. I'll admit, when I watched that _Private Snafu_ short on YouTube, I liked the rhyming. Then again, it's no secret there'd be some rhyming since Dr. Seuss helped out with said shorts.


End file.
